It's a Matter of Your Heart (Marriage Series)

I'm not sure what has happened around here except that I have really fallen off the bandwagon with this blogging stuff!!! I am not actually sure if I even have any readers left?!?!

Well this again is a post that was stuck in my drafts and I decided to dust it off and actually publish it! And I also realize that I said I was going to give you 25 marriage posts since we were celebrating our 25th anniversary. Well that milestone has come and gone and we actually celebrated 27 years a few months
ago. And no...I am not going to even try to write 27 marriage posts...but I will try my best to write more of them:) So here is the long lost marriage series post!

Let's face it. If you have a spouse, no matter how much you love him/her, there are going to be things that they do that give you a slight (maybe more than a slight) feeling of annoyance. It may be a habit they have or maybe just it's something they do in their daily routine. But when they do it you get that slight feeling (or maybe more than slight:) of annoyance! And perhaps when that "something" happens yet again....you feel like you might like to say or do something nasty!!!!

Let me tell you something that I have learned (and am still learning) over the past 26 years of marriage. It's something that can be used in your marriage every day, all day long. It's something that once you make it part of your thinking and your life....will change you and most likely your relationship with your spouse. In fact it may even change your relationship with other people. If you are a husband, wife, sister, brother, grandchild, friend...this is something you can use in any relationship. Am I starting to sound like one of those "Too good to be true" ads that we see all around us???

It's about your heart! Simple....your heart. When your spouse does that thing for the umteenth time that just drives you up the wall.....I have one question for you....How's your heart???? Never mind how many times you have asked him/her not to do this particular thing, never mind the inconvenience it may cause you, how is your heart????

I remember a particular time when I was annoyed at something that Mark had done, it wasn't anything big, just a habit that he had that caused me a few seconds of inconvenience. But in my mind I had made it out to be such a big deal! And I had let it affect my heart. I remember the moment like it was yesterday, God spoke to my heart, "What if you would lose your husband today? What if you no longer had a husband to do this for? What if....." And at that moment I realized that I was letting something so insignificant, so silly, eat away at me and cause my heart to be discontented with my husband. And I realized I was sinning.

God doesn't ask us to make everybody else perfect around us, He only asks us to have a heart that is pleasing to Him. He asks us to reflect on our heart daily....in those moments of frustration or annoyance...and ask the question, "How is my heart?" Because I know that I can't change my husband or the people around me (even though I may try:) I can change one simple thing....my heart. And in changing my heart, in seeing that I don't have to fix anyone but myself, my attitude changes....every time!!!

My husband didn't change that day, but I did. And it is amazing that even though my circumstances didn't change my heart did, and I felt free. Free because it's never fun to be miserable and discontent! Free because I knew my calling wasn't to change my husband, I just had to concentrate on changing me! I went from a person who was easily annoyed at the little habits and inconveniences to a person who realized that I only needed to work on me.

Try it! When your spouse does something that bugs you, annoys you or causes you some inconvenience....check out your heart, and change what needs to be changed. I think you will be pleasantly surprised at the results!

Marriage Series (part 2)

So to continue our series I wanted to talk about spending time with your spouse. You may be saying "well ya, obviously!" But even though we know in our heads that this is a very important thing to actually do...sometimes it's much easier said than done!

Relationship in marriage does not just happen...it needs to be cultivated and nurtured. Too many couples make the mistake of thinking that once they get married they will be with each other daily and the marriage bond will just happen. This may be true in the first few years, but after awhile it's not so easy. People and things start to take more and more of our time away from each other. It may be a job, ministry, friends or even our own children that causes this to happen. They may all be "good" things....but too many times they/it can steal our time. And often it happens so slowly that we barely recognize it!

What does it mean to make your marriage a priority? Well, just that. Making your spouse the most important part of your day. Giving your spouse the best of you, not the leftovers.

I can hear all the young moms saying, "I can barely get the food on the table, keep the house clean or get the laundry done. And now you want to add another thing on my plate? I am telling you this from someone who has been there. I have had many little ones and no big help. I have been up countless numbers of times in the night with a newborn. I have had the overwhelming feelings that I was never going to get all the work done that I needed to. But I can also tell you something else...... I have never, ever regretted the time that I have invested into our marriage. In fact, I wish I had done it more.

We have seen many couples who have poured all of their time and energies into their children in their growing up years and then one day their children leave the home and what are they left with...two people who barely know each other. Why? Because all of their time was spent investing in others while ignoring the relationship that started it all! Please don't let this be what happens to you.

This doesn't have to be something complicated, or take a lot of money. It can be just the simple little things that will make a huge difference. The most important thing it takes a change of mindset. It takes you asking the question every day, "Who is the most important person in my life?" It takes evaluating at the end of the day, "Who did I invest the most of my time/energy in?" It takes a heart of truly wanting your marriage to be the best that it can be and the willingness to take the effort to make it so.

Mark and I love to be on dates together. We find this a great time where we can focus on each other without having to wipe a child's nose, bring one to the bathroom, or answer the 'oh so urgent' question. It's a time where we can give each other our undivided attention. A time where we can have heart to hearts without little ears listening in. Over the years, depending on our situation, we have had many kinds of "dates"  Some have been going out somewhere, many have been combined with our weekly shopping trip, some have been overnighters and some have just been at home. Probably my most memorable dates have been the ones where we put the kids in bed and then have our own romantic candlelit supper. It takes no money, just a bit of time and planning. And wives, a word to you. It is not always the husbands job to make a date happen. As long as you are in tune with the finances and knowing your husbands schedule you can plan the date! Or you can make a special evening at home for the two of you. Don't make it his job and get all offended if he never plans anything! You can do this to!

We have led the course "Growing Kids God's Way" many times over the past 15+ years. We so appreciate that the Ezzos saw fit to teach on the importance of a strong marriage in the raising of our children. They make the point that when your marriage is strong it offers security to your children. If they know that you love each other, their little world feels so secure. They talk about going on dates and telling your children, "This is for your good!" We have said that to our children many times over the years when they have asked to come with us. We tell them, "No, we are going on a date...and it's for your good!" And they often smile from ear to ear :) This sends a message to your children that your marriage is worth investing in and that it's very important to both of you. And even though their little minds may not understand it...their hearts do. Now when our children hear that we are going on date the word spreads quickly throughout the family and you hear the children all saying to each other excitedly, "Dad and Mom are going on a date!" It really makes their heart glad! Now a word of caution here....if you have had a home where your children have been the centre of attention and you have not made your marriage a priority, you are probably going to feel some resistance from your children. There may be bouts of crying and making you feel real bad about leaving them, but remember to tell them and yourself, "This is for your good!"

But dates aren't the only way to make your marriage a priority although that is a very good tool. Think back to before you were married. When you were away from your love, who did you think about? I think most of our responses would be, "I thought about my love, ALL DAY LONG!" Do you know it can still be that way? You can purpose to think about, give notes, pray for, send texts to your love throughout the day. And when you do you are making a statement, "You are the most important person in my life. When you are gone I think about you." What about when your husband comes home. What do you do? Do you give him your time and attention. Ask him how his day was? Do you make him feel like you missed him while he was gone? Or do your kids get the upper hand with Daddy? You may have to fight your way in there to give your hubby some loving :)

I hope you are getting the picture here. It's not about "what" you do, it's not about "you have to go for a date once a week" or rules like that, it's about your heart attitude towards your marriage. It's about being intentional to making your marriage a priority. It's about not letting your everyday life take over your marriage relationship. It's about loving each other enough to make this work. Remember, it's all a matter of your heart! How much effort are you willing to put into it? How important is your marriage to you?

25 Years

This fall marks 25 years that Mark and I will be married. Sometimes it seems like just yesterday that we said our vows to each other, and then I look around at all of our children and realize it's obviously been a few years :)

Getting married to my husband was one of the best decisions I have ever made. I feel so blessed that God brought us together. I never dreamed that we would be where we are in life 25 years later! The journey we have been on has been an exciting one. And I can say with all my heart that I hope we will be together AT LEAST another 25 years!

So since this year marks a very special milestone I thought it might be a good time to do a series on marriage from the perspective of me, a wife.  I would like to do 25 posts on this subject, but realistically I don't think I will get there! But I will try! And because I am a wife, I am going to talk to the wives paticularily. But I believe that many of these principles can apply to both husband and wife.

So here's where you come in. Are there any particular subjects you would like me to cover? Is there a question about us (marriage related) that you have been wondering? Leave me a comment and tell me what it is :) I can't promise that I will answer every one, but I will try my bestest!

When Mark and I got married I was 18 years old. People thought we were too young.....we thought we were mature, responsible and ready for marriage. I have never regretted getting married at 18, although I wish that I had been taught a few more things about being a wife. My mom was an amazing wife to my dad, but there were many principles that she had never learned, therefore she wasn't able to pass down to me. So I had to learn as I went along and am so grateful to God for teaching me how He did. In those early years there was no one to mentor me to be a Godly wife.  No one to take me under their wing and teach me what it meant to be a help meet to my husband. That's why it's so important for me today to be that woman to other wives who are searching. I know what it's like to struggle, fail, pick myself up and cry out to God for answers. I don't regret those days, for I know that I drew closer to God while I searched my heart and His word for answers. And I am thankful that after a few years God did bring someone into my life to mentor me. Someone who took the time to listen and give advice. (thanks Helen!!!)

God has taught me many things over the last 25 years. And it is only by His grace that I am the wife that I am today. And even though I look back and see how far I have come, I look forward and see how much I can improve. I am so grateful for His constant teaching, nudging, and pruning in my life. I always want my heart to be pliable so 'He who has begun a good work in me can complete it'!

Anyway, what I am going to share is something that I think is a real important principle for a wife to practice. NEVER SPEAK BADLY, NEGATIVELY OR COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND BEHIND HIS BACK OR TO HIS FACE AROUND OTHER PEOPLE.  I cringe when I hear wives put their husbands down, or complain about them in a group of people or even just one on one. And if a wife comes and starts to do this to me, I quickly shut down the conversation, change the subject, or encourage them to honour their husbands by their words. And sadly, do you know where I have seen this happen the most? In a woman's bible study or get together. I know....I've been there....I've participated.  Really ladies, this is cheap and I don't believe it is honoring to God. Your husband has been place by God as your head. Respect that!

God's word tells us in Ephesians 4:29 "Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers." I quote this verse often to our children because  it is often needed. But  I realize how I also need to live this every day in our marriage. What purpose does putting my husband down serve? NONE!!!

 I know there are some woman who will say, "But it's just in fun!" Well....find another way to have fun....and don't let it be at the expense of your husband.

I have made sure to teach this truth to my children as well. I am very careful not to talk negatively about their Dad to them. Not that I have never done it, I am human, I have slipped. But this is something that I have been very diligent to try and live every day. I have told my girls that one day when they are married (Lord willing) if they call me up and start complaining about their husband, I will hang up on them!!!! And I mean it!!! I will not be a third party to something that should be between a husband and a wife. Not that I don't want to be there for them....I do! But all they have to say is, "Please pray." That's all I need to hear! And if they need advice on how to work on their own hearts, I will gladly give that to them to. But that's where it will end!

So I just want to encourage you ladies, speak positively about your husband....to his face and behind his back. If you have a complaint about him, don't announce it to the world. First check your own heart and then pray for his. And if we are ever talking together and you complain about me to your husband......you know what I'll do :)